Smart like fox ttakes on a whole new meaning!

House Rules

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

The dog lives here. You don't.

If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

-Unattributed

Letters To God from Your Dog

Dear God:
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God:
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God:
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and
the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We
dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers,
beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans
understand?

Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God:
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:
Here's a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

- I will not eat the cats' food before they eat or after they throw it up.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
- I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although tasty, they are not food.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
- The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello'.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
- I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
- The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually
not a good thing.

Dear God:
May I have my testicles back?

DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

Things We Can Learn from Our Beagle

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
  
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
  
• When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
  
• Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
  
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
  
• Run, romp and play daily.
  
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
  
• Be loyal.
  
• Never pretend to be something you're not.
  
• If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
  
• Don't go out without ID.
  
• Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
  
• Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
  
• Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
  
• Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
  
• When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
  
• If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
  
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
  
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  
• On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
  
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
  
• When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  
• No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
  
• Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.
  

Bet You Can't Own Just One!

Why own a dog? There's a danger you know,
You can't own just one, for the craving will grow.
There's no doubt they're addictive, wherein lies the danger.
While living with lots, you'll grow poorer and stranger.

One dog is no trouble, and two are so funny.
The third one is easy, the fourth one's a honey.
The fifth one delightful, the sixth one's a breeze,
You find you can live with a houseful with ease.

So how 'bout another? Would you really dare?
They're really quite easy but oh, Lord the hair!
With dogs on the sofa and dogs on the bed,
And crates in the kitchen, it's no bother you've said.

They're really no trouble, their manners are great.
What's just one more dog and just one more crate?
The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty,
The floor is all footprints, the furniture dusty.

The housekeeping suffers, but what do you care?
Who minds a few nose prints and a little more hair?
So let's keep a puppy, you can always find room,
and a little more time for the dust cloth and broom.

There's hardly a limit to the dogs you can add,
The thought of a cutback sure makes you sad.
Each one is so special, so useful, so funny.
The vet, the food bill grows larger, you owe money.

Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay,
Except other dog folks, who all live the same way.
Your lawn has now died, and your shrubs are dead too,
But your weekends are busy, you're off with your crew.

Is it worth it, you wonder? Are you caught in a trap?
Then that favorite dog comes and climbs in your lap.
His look says you're special and you know that you will
Keep all of the critters in spite of the bill.

The whole thing seems worth it, the dogs are your life.
They're charming and funny and offset the strife.
Your lifestyle has changed. Things won't be the same.
Yes, those dogs are addictive and so is the dog game!!